31. SEE THE BORDER WALL

at first there is a gap in it, so i think, how can this wall be effective. also it is not very high, but that is because i am on the u.s. side.



the mexican side is lower — although i should point out the entire wall is north of mexico.



i'm not sure how the depth is effect when there are slants so that tractors can get through the wall. there is u.s. farm land on the other side of it, you see.



here is some distance perspective. i wish i had a better camera.


this isn't the most flattering photo. i have never seen myself with a look of contorted disgust on my face, so seeing this was a shock. what else was a shock and disgusting? that this fucking wall costs more than $1 million per sq. foot.

because you know... no one is getting through...

30. HANG OUT WITH A RELATIVE IN A SOCIAL SETTING

i went out with my cousin in kingsville, texas, where i was born. i have never hung out with a relative in a social situation that was totally removed from our family. it was a much-needed weekend. her friends were nice. funny things: card games on kitchen tables, kittens, small town bars, small towns, tequila shots.



unfunny things: no public transportation system.

29. KEEP A PEN PAL

my professor asked the class if we remembered life before the internet. my memory wasn't the quickest. computers were being integrated into classrooms more and more as i went through elementary school. then he asked us to raise our hands if we had ever written a letter. maybe less than 10 people raised their hands. there are at least a hundred in the class.

i like writing letters. i like to receive them, too. so many people i admire have said that they only way they feel true companionship and communication with others is through writing to them. perhaps it is an alienating thing to do, and the attachment seems to be to the paper and not the person. but maybe. maybe. maybe is my favorite word on this blog so far. i haven't been very resolute with these resolutions. maybe it's because you aren't in the moment, and so often things i say in the moment aren't reflective of what i feel after the moment. and the way i perceive my life, my feelings, my relationships are always after the moment. in bed, usually, unable to sleep. you can so easily take back the things you don't mean with an eraser. you can better articulate how wondrous the world when you're forced to lift your pen between thoughts.



i bet if i were writing this on paper it would be more coherent.

28. HOMEWORK DATES

i think houston is a city where it is easy to give up. these prints are the type of art you see on the street.

you are right, K. i am giving up and trying to rationalize it. this is something i really wanted for myself, and when it got hard i "faltered." but i'm not going to beat myself up about it. i'll just try again instead.

perhaps i will try small things on most days and work toward bigger goals being followed through on a weekly basis. i don't know maybe i'm thinking too much and doin gnot enough.

homework dates are the way i am going to remain social and get my shit done. 2 birds 1 stone, but i have to make sure that my homework partners aren't distractors. J is a good balance. also, he knows more german than me.

22. RE-EVALUATE

everything.

i think subscribing to an ideology is intellectual laziness. usually?

i can't do this every day like i've been doing. mostly, because if i must do it every day i don't have the time to plan out these coming attractions i'm planning.

i don't think i'm changing my goal if i change the every day ness of the blog.

maybe i am being lazy.

maybe i am working a 60 hour work week while only being paid for 20 hours and also going to school.

i want everything right now.

weekly goals sound attainable. and possible comprehensive.

i wrote about spears v. united states today. crack is whack, but racism is worse. that should have been the headline. ha ha. it is 3 a.m.

21. LET 'LOST' BE THE ONLY TV I WATCH FOR 2009

this is how it makes me feel. but also happy. the music makes me feel very emotional, even when i'm not. i have never really had an emotional connection to a tv show like this one. OK, maybe six feet under. it is fun to watch. like jurassic park or an adapted-for-television stephen king novel. well, in reality it pretty much is an adapted-for-television stephen king novel.

i haven't seen the season premiere tonight. this is the first time i've missed a season premiere of lost. i am really annoyed that i can't participate with my geeky internet friends in lost chatter. why am i typing all of this. and saying it in this way. the time stamp on this entry is a lie. its so late. i am so tired. i feel like i am trying so hard right now, i want other people to try hard too. i am not being a very good boss at work. i try to teach, but it feels like no one is learning. at home, i try to talk and i feel like no one is listening. why is it that everyone everywhere interprets everything with their stupid fucking egos. i am so tired and it is so late.

lost has helped me get through some bad times. when i first moved back to texas, i became a fanatic. i listened to all of the podcasts (except for the weird christian ones) and read all of the posts on the now extinct lost media site and the fuselage. i was really lonely. i had a far off boyfriend and zero friends because i spent all day talking to my far off boyfriend. so i got a cat. then my sister put her outside on new year's eve and she was either 1. hit by a car, 2. eaten by coyotes, or 3. taken in by another family because she was so beautiful and smart. she could open doors. and cans! just kidding. anyway when she died lost got me through that too.

i was now thinking about writing a list of all of the horrible shit that lost helped me deal with. but that would be a waste of time. tv is the best form of escapism. but escapism is not a good thing. actually tv may be one of the worst forms of escapism. bested in its worseness only by anti-Ds. at least in my book.

anyway, this is my essay on why i will only escape one hour a week for 16 weeks in 2009.

20. TAKE OBAMA TO BED EVERY NIGHT OF HIS PRESIDENCY

i will wear this T-shirt to bed every single night of obama's presidency,m which means 4 or 8 years.

to remind me that things could be even worse when they get worse.

19. DON'T FREAK OUT. BREATHE.

this is me yesterday freaking out under my desk.




today i did not freak out. and things went smoothly. go figure.


more tangible posts are coming. near future, even.

i think my life has improved 0.07 percent, which is 0.07 percent more than i expected.

18. SECRET GOAL

it's a secret

i am hiding under my desk having an aneurysm maybe

17. TAKE UP A SPORT

my mom and sister play tennis.

naturally, i avoided playing it for a long time.

i want to play it now so we have something in common other than occasional mutual frustration.

i am really busy with work and school but i went to my folks' house today so i could play tennis with them.

bonding this way is healthy, i think.

i finally get it - why people play sports.

16. DOCUMENT WITH VIDEO

√ 1. keep a blog

X 2. read a book a week -- i started three and have finished zero.

X 3. practice teetotalism -- but haven't been drunk

√ 4. thank people

√ 5. stop getting angry with parents

√ 6. don’t weigh self

√ 8. review goals weekly - this is a gimme

√ 9. don't piss off old people

√ 10. surround myself with art -- done and done

X 11. lift weights -- there is always tomorrow and the tomorrow after that

X 12. don't stew over gossip -- i'm giving myself an X because the post in itself was an act of stewing. but perhaps i should get a √ because i haven't really allowed myself to do it with anything else since.

? 13. _________________ -- Grey Gardens really messed with my head by the way

√ 14. meditate

√ 15. pack a meal

√ 16. document with video

i have a new camcorder. it is dirt cheap, but it works. knowing my luck, i forgot to bring its USB cable with me so i can't upload the vids i took tonight as proof. i will update this entry later with one maybe.

it is a fun new toy.

15. PACK A MEAL

here is an example of a raw vegan meal i would make for myself a bring to work.

in houston, everyone socializes by eating together. i can't beleive how hard it is at times to go out with friends and not end up at a restaurant. yesterday i socialized with co-workers by eating a potato filled with animal fat and cow breast milk. it was one of two items on the menu that didn't have animal muscle tissue in it.

at my school, the only foods to eat come from vending machines or Aramark.

the way i eat affects my mood and performance.

i have a small fridge in my office to store kombucha.

today i brought in a salad made from raw green cabbage, mung bean sprouts, cilantro, lemon, tomato, spirulina, white wine vinegar and sesame oil. it was a big salad & i ate it for lunch & dinner.

i feel pretty good & i'm getting more done today than yesterday.

i sense that today's menu will not lead to my eventual death by diabetes or cancer.

14. MEDITATE

i have been really stressed out with my new job. i've been freaking out about being my own boss and setting my own schedule. i'm letting the stress take over my body and attention span. i've felt overwhelmed and yet spending extra hours at my job hasn't seemed to ease that feeling. i am afraid my job is going to make me more depressed. i recently realized i was having a quarter mid-life crisis (it's probably why i started this blog) when i realized there is nothing in my life now that i feel truly passionate about. this morning there was a breaking point. i haven't been able to sleep. i stayed up until 6 a.m. just lying in bed.

so the stress in my body basically is a positive feedback system at the moment. and meditating is helping a little. it's better than taking aspirin. it's like setting the reset button on the machine that is your body.

when i first wanted to meditate, i thought of it as a lifestyle more than an act of simplicity. i wanted to learn HOW to do it, and i bought books and DVDs and read about it on the internet. i scheduled it in my daily calendar. i basically missed the entire point of doing it, and thus, never really got into the habit.

now its no big thing. i just do some light yoga, breathe deeply, and relax by thinking of a big bright light. and i feel better for a few hours.

the head bows to heart, etc.

13.

this is the elevator floor that doesn't exist.




i didn't accomplish a goal today.

i went to work and did a lot of work.

about my new job i feel excited and bored simultaneously.

12. DON'T STEW OVER GOSSIP

working in an office is exactly how i imagined.



not really.

today was my first official day of work. everyone got access to work e-mail addresses. my friend found some old e-mails in which someone was shit-talking me. said i was bad for the work environment. it made me sad. i asked the person who showed me if it was legitimate, and she said if it was i wouldn't still be here. it didn't make me feel any better. i don't understand why this hen just didn't address the issue with me. she was my boss and never said anything except behind my back. she also shit-talked me to the big boss, who upon hearing i was chosen for my position said something sarcastially like "all right, i guess she's a good choice, if you can work with her." i barely even know this guy. so i guess i have a reputation, and whether deserved, i have to disprove it. i found all of this out in the middle of my work day, and i let myself get sad for a few minutes. but that was all. and then i told myself to get back to work and look forward. and i did.

what's worse is i used to be friends with this hen. it's really hard for me to let go of a friendship, but i don't want to be the person who i was when i was friends with her anymore. if i am to be honest, our friendship was based on somewhat malicious gossip and drinking. so i guess i had this coming.

to break old habits.
there is never a better time than now.

11. LIFT WEIGHTS

because i'm worried about bone density and lunch lady arms.

10. SURROUND MYSELF WITH MORE ART

january 10, 2009

i didn't really have a goal for today. i went to two art shows, though.

mindy kober showed at artstorm. most of her work looked like silk screened T-shirts, which many people enjoyed, but i didn't. i liked her ceepy americana paintings like this one from the press release.



also, a really cool inverted glacier-topped mountain range. everything else was totally uninspired, but hip i guess.

then i went to another showing at 1724 at random, and was pleased to run into rose & olive. they blog at theingoing.blogspot.com but are more recognizable from nerve.com & flickr. when i met them, i had no idea what they did. someone else had to tell me. they are such genuine people, and their art probably wouldn't work if they weren't.

9. DON'T PISS OFF OLD PEOPLE

january 9, 2009

this is a picture of my mom playing wii tennis with her uncle. he and his wife are visiting my parents on their way to see my grandparents. the first thing he said to me was, "i like to kill things." when i asked him what they were planning to do at my grandparents' he said shoot things. after dinner, he brought in some guns to look at with my dad. they were wrapped in tube socks and a mattress pad.



i'm not going to relay all the crazy stuff he said that reflected his only new source to be fox news. or all of the disrespectful things he said about women in general and women in our family. but here is the impression he left me, from my private journal:

it was hard to be tolerant of it all, but in a way his belligerent defiance of the present moment and his nostalgia for a past that never was only proved himself irrelevant to the 21st century.

i think that is the worst thing i have ever said about anyone.

but, seriously, this man kept shaking the fat on my aunt's upper arm all night. and repeatedly, since i looked to the ground and refused to watch.

however, i didn't say anything that night. i figure he is old, and it must be hard to be old and realize that you are about to die and the world will go on without you. and while you have spent your entire life thinking your opinion matters, it doesn't really. and it really doesn't when you're dead.

i have spent much time in my life arguing with old people, but i think i'm done.

8. REVIEW GOALS WEEKLY

i have much more interesting goals than these. my first week of resolutions has been boring, but i need to get some of them out of the way.

√ 1. keep a blog

√ 2. read a book a week

√ 3. practice teetotalism

√ 4. thank people

X 5. stop getting angry with parents
it has been happening drastically less. it's just hard to remember.

√ 6. don’t weigh self

√ 7. go out when i don’t feel like it

7. GO OUT WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT

a few years ago, i was invited to a party where i only knew one person and not well. i forced myself to go because i had lived in houston for a year and hadn't made any friends. i didn't want to go, but i drove there, had a panic attack in my car, and went inside. that party was a fundraiser for NANO Fiction, which by the way included hot girls mud-wrestling in a baby pool in the back yard surrounded by about 100 cheering latino men, and since then i have been involved with the magazine of which i am now an editor.

the point is i didn't want to go, and i forced myself to go. and as a result, a really good thing came into my life.

i've wanted 2009 to be this year of change, but i've had a rough start. to be totally honest, i spent the first few days in my bed at my parents house, drinking wine and watching 30 Rock. then i made the goal to stop drinking, which is an easy goal to meet so long as i never socialize. i really depend on alcohol as a social lubricant.

however, last night i went out & didn't drink at all. i didn't feel like going out, but my roommate was playing an open mic at a bar. he's a really good person and always shows a lot of support to everyone, so i would be a total douche not to go. so, i went. but i didn't drink. i even went to a club afterward with some friends. and i didn't drink there, either. and i felt acute social anxiety at times, but i got over it and had fun.

boring story, but it's a big deal for me each time i take another step toward getting over social anxiety. seriously, if i could live the rest of my life on a couch next to a bookcase and across from a tv, i would be content. but that's not a way to live.

also, while i regret not updating this on wednesday, it's only because i was out.

6. DON'T WEIGH SELF

my scale broke during my move in november, and i'm not replacing it. i recorded my weight 79 times in my 2008 calendar. while it made me fixate on numbers a bunch, the end number matches the beginning one. so i'm not going to do it again this year. i'm going to judge my health by how i feel instead.

5. STOP GETTING ANGRY WITH PARENTS

it's just that easy.

4. THANK PEOPLE

i just wrote some thank you notes. i always forget to do it or put it off until it is too late/tacky to send them. i need to recognize others more. people are considerably kind to me in general.

3. PRACTICE TEETOTALISM

temperance movements never work, but for the sake of my health i think i can give my liver a one-year vacation. changing my life means i must break old patterns, and i'm not going to live into the 22nd century if i keep up the benders. this is supposed to be hard, i think. and it should take some sacrifice. so i won't drink in 2009.

except for kombucha, or, as i like to call it, hippy moonshine.



update:

that isn't my hand or my kombucha.

i feel like i should be more honest about why i am doing this. i spend a lot of my day regretting things. i want to minimize the amount of time i spend doing that, and since i do it more when i drink, i think i shouldn't drink.

i became irate when i opened a bottle of kombucha & it exploded all over my cashmere sweater. i haven't been angry in a long time, and the rage made my body hurt. and then i thought, it's just a sweater, what am i really angry about? i'm not sure of the answer.

i almost drank a margarita with dinner but was saved when my friend, who is diabetic, informed me of how much corn syrup is in the mix. it's as if i'm trying to sabotage myself.

small steps. it's the end of day 3 and all resolutions have been kept so far.

2. FINISH READING STEVEN PRESSFIELD'S THE WAR OF ART

i didn't know what goal to set today. i didn't want to do anything, and i felt bad about it and guilty too because i've been looking forward to this blog all of december. i've spent a lot of time thinking about it and creating these expectations. i already have a list of about 50 goals and yet they seemed too hard and i wanted to give up on the 2nd day.

so i decided to finish this book i started reading a few days ago, Steven Pressfield's The War of Art (2003), and thought maybe this should be my goal for today--to finish books that i start. but then that seemed like a waste of time and not really beneficial to my life in the long run. also, not sustainable. so i decided to set the goal to finish one book a week. i think this is something i can do, and my life will be better for it. this will be an ongoing goal, one i can meet each week, so today's goal was simply to finish The War of Art.

this book is basically a self-help book about confronting procrastination. pressfield begins by distinguising the behavior of an amateur from a professional artist. he believes that to be human is to be an artist and that we procrastinate because we're afraid of achieving our full potential because to do so is very hard and requires much failure. also, he references tiger woods and arnold schwarzenegger a lot.

much of what he says feels truthful; however i immediately become suspicious of a book when i find myself nodding internally. he didn't really say anything new to me, but it was nice to re-think some of those thoughts in a more organized way. also, i felt less nervous after reading this book.

1. KEEP A BLOG

today, i'm starting a blog. it's my new year's resolution. resolution is a word. perhaps goal would be a better word--better because it would keep me honest and committed. so i'm keeping a blog, not starting it, really. that's today's goal. the difference is in the meaning just as much as language. the difference is everything.

2009 will be my best year yet. it simply must. i will accomplish this by making daily goals to better align my behavior with my beliefs. this is an umbrella resolution. i'll be more specific. every day i will investigate a single aspect of my life, whether it be micro or macro, and adjust or modify it to create a more healthy environment, behaviorism, and life for myself. note: all of these improvement words are loaded terms and will be investigated or at least taken with a grain of salt.

the important thing is i continuously attempt to find a new way to be in this world. old ways aren't working. and the beauty of a blog--it being a living document--is that the direction of it can change at any time. it can adapt in it's intent, structure, etc.

also, the beauty of a life is that it's an evolving living document.