48. MAKE TAPES

you are probably bored with me. or annoyed. i am these things with myself as well. i am sorry for so much.

anyway.

i'm making a tape. there is a girl i've been writing letters to. my penpal. i have been writing letters & not mailing them. i don't know why.

i am making her a tape of me talking about ideas and reading poems. i am going to carry around the tape with me on some of my adventures this weekend. then i will mail the tape to new orleans. and i found an extra tape recorder in the newsroom, so i am going to mail that to her too so we can send tapes to each other.

this is me lecturing on accouuntability at like 4 a.m. or something. i cannot imagine myself ever looking like this.



i admit i played the tape back to hear myself wax. i was surprised i didn't sound as inarticulate than i thought i would, although i do say "like" a lot. when did that start?

and to make this post even more about myself and not the outside world, let me quote myself from the tape:

"i just can't believe so many people live these terrible lives and why anybody believes this is how life should be. obviously we all live in this system where we are completely unhappy and yet so many people think this is the best evolution has to offer us. ... i've had a hard time reaching out to others. ... if i could i would just be by myself all the time. ... i know that there's not a normal way to be and there's not a normal amount of socializing a person should do. ... like i really am a firm believer in the collective unconscious and people belonging to one large kin group. ... i believe community is really important and i'm not really aligning my actions with my beliefs in that sense. ... while it's not a way to live i wanted so badly to try to live with other people umm and like figure out what it is to live within a community and be a part a community even if it is like within my own apartment. sigh. like. i don't want my epitaph to read: didn't play well with others. ugh. so."

then i read her some letters from dear everybody.

47. DO YOUR JOB EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO

like i said, hard week.

the entire office is performing poorly tonight.

but i'm not going to lose my cool.

we are all going through a lot of tough stuff, i think.

this is why all managers should be women, i think.

46. SWIM SWIM SWIM

i feel at home in the water. my mom taught me to hold my breath in one of those baby swim classes when i was only 3 months old. however, i've almost drowned thrice.

it's what i'm doing to destress, because i am literally too stressed to do yoga/meditate. too much stuff surfaces. i saw my professor at the natatorium. felt awkward. when i'm there i'm there to do it and do one thing. i'm single-minded & don't want any other things to confront--such as social anxiety.



it's nice when you're in the water to feel like you aren't weighted down.

45. CUT LOSSES

if you know me, you know what. it's going to be a hard week.

44. WEAR A MASK WHEN SICK

to prevent the spread of infectious disease.

it works. an australian study said so.

people are looking at me weird. but i don't care. i'm doing them a favor.

43. TURN BREAKDOWNS INTO BREAKTHROUGHS

this is an idea i took from tim ferriss' blog. he wrote that 4-hr workweek book, which i haven't read but read about.

today was hard. i am sick and had insomnia the night before. i really started to question everything. i feel stuck in a bad living situation and i feel like there is always more to do/more i could be doing at work. as a result, my schooling is suffering. i'm in one of those candle burning at both ends situations.

and i've stopped trying to keep up some of my goals. i've let go of a lot of self-restraint. i've allowed myself to be unkind to others. i even went out of my way to be unkind at one point. i've stopped working out. i've been eating poorly. when i'm driving, i'm speeding and honking. and i've stopped being consistent with my blog.

i am really losing my ability to see beautifully and optimistically.

how long has it been since new year's? Six weeks? is this the breaking point? i think this is the time when lotsa people start walking away from their goals. i don't want to do that, though. i really want to stick with this.

i need to talk a small amount of time for myself each day.

i need to eat nutritious raw vegan food.

i need to schedule in efficiency breaks.

i need to keep my energy up, and i need to work off stress so i don't divert those energies into negativity.

i don't know how to balance restraint with liberation. if i could have it my way i would be hopped up and dancing naked all the time. but i stop liking myself after spending too much time with that sort of hedonism.

why does hedonism have a bad connotation as a word?

anyway, this is incoherent, but this post is about keeping trying keeping on and on and not giving up.

i think all my posts are like that.

this blog is existential suicide.

42. MAKE RIGHT A WRONG

last thursday when i was closing at my job i was snappy with this girl because she was playing around online instead of getting work done. and the more i snapped the worse she performed. i wanted her to be fired. my boss told me i was overreacting and i realized he was right.

i didn't realize how snappy i was being. i wasn't being self-aware at all.

this week i decided i would approach the situation with a positive attitude. it was a testament to visualization. i foresaw work going smoothly and so it did. i was extremely aware of my tone of voice at all times. i acted as a facilitator and was encouraging.

and both of us were more productive and aimed closer to our full potential. the power of positivity. YES!

41. STOP SHAVING

this is probably the most radical thing i've done so far.

and it's the first goal that has involved changing my appearance.

i am choosing to do this 1) so that i will produce less waste. razor blades, shaving cream canisters--they all go some place. the pacific ocean, most likely. and they are also an unnecessary expense.

and 2) if i count up all the minutes i've used shaving they become hours and a significant 0.07% of my life i don't want to spend on some arbitrary task.

also it makes me feel more natural. i decided to stop shaving at 15 and i would wear skirts and such and didn't start again until an older girl made me feel weird for it. but you know 3) i like the way my hair feels. i even like the way it looks. especially more than stubble, which i can't stand in appearance or sensation.

so it's all grown out. and i wanted to wear a skirt today. i thought about shaving, but i didn't. and i didn't feel self-conscious. not even once.


my leg-beards will never reach this capacity.

40. BE AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST

that's what a did today.

i work at a newspaper, yet i've never written hard news.

my story is about the Veteran's Services Organization lying to me.

i called them on thursday because i wanted thm to comment on the january statistics showing that mmore servicemen died by suicide than in combat.

the VSO said they would include a proposal for a PTSD counselor in their budget proposal.

today when they submitted the proposal it wasn't included.

it pissed me off.

instead they are spending all the money on recruiting more veterans to come to our school.

so i wrote about it.

when i confronted the retired staff sgt about it in his office, i did it through a question, not a statement.

and he shuffled his papers nervously.

i made a grown man nervous.

a vietnam vet, even.

(although, i suppose that's not a huge feat).

it made me feel really strong.

i bet 7 people will read the story tomorrow.

39. NO MORE DAIRY

i get asked a lot why i am a vegetarian. sometimes, it's as if people feel affronted by the existence of vegetarians. i don't always know how to answer. i guess i've been a vegetarian and known all the reasons why-to-be one for so long that it's like second nature. i need to have a list i can rattle off. here goes.

1. enough food can be grown on grazing lands to end world hunger.
2. cows cause a surprising amount of ozone depletion through methane.
3. chickens are pumped full of estrogen, pigs are full of antibiotics, etc.
4. many people are misdiagnosed with alzheimer's when they actually have mad cow.
5. it's important in this age of rampant environmental pollution to eat low on the food chain because organisms higher in the food chain have higher PPUs of dangerous chemicals.
6. while i don't really care about killing animals, i do care about their quality of life.
7. humans have relatively long large intestines, especially compared to other omnivorous and carnivorous beings. A long large intestines means more toxins are absorbed during a slower poop-shoot.
8. eating meat is nutritionally inefficient.

these are just some of the reasons, each requiring a longer explanation for lay persons. but i suppose i am a hypocrite because i continue to eat dairy.



dairy is worse. humans are the only mammals that drink milk after infancy. dairy clogs up the digestion system and causes poor sinus health. pretty much all of the above reason can also apply to eating dairy. i guess it's just been a hard thing to give up. but like i said, this blog is about aligning my behavior with my beliefs.

38. HANKIES

i'm thieving this resolution from sarah.

a few years ago, i did something similar to this by keep handtowels EVERYWHERE so i wouldn't be tempted to use paper towels to wipe my hands. it worked. i imagine this will, too.

it would probably be more revolutionary to stop printing also, but i don't have a reliable laptop to carry around as of yet.

37. FAIL BETTER

from zen habits:

When someone is having a bad day, they go home and deal with it in their way then wake up and start a new day, usually a better day. Even when the bad day carries over, eventually the string of bad days end because a person’s mood will change. People become happy again and they forget about improving their lives. They won’t make major changes unless the bad days keep stringing together and making their life miserable.

I’ve heard countless people complain about their jobs, but they never do anything about it because the pain isn’t strong enough. They don’t want to work at changing their habits because all they see is more pain. They see a pile of lifelong behavior patterns that aren’t worth changing. They are used to the emotions that they’ve dealt with for 10, 30, or 50 years. They don’t want to dive into their emotional mess and probably come out disappointed in themselves.



i don't want to be a person who doesn't learn from her mistakes. sometimes, i think i confuse trying to change with actually changing. but at times, change feels like it is never happening or that it is constantly happening but not to my desired outcome. when my own faults keep coming up and obstructing the life i want to live no matter how often i try to approach them (and from different angles) i feel like i'm in a bad made-for-tv version of groundhog's day. maybe it's on lifetime or ABC family and i play bill murray's daughter who is an asshole, albeit unknowingly, and can't seem to keep anyone close for too long without being disappointed or being a disappointment. it will be called groundhog's day 2: this time the train sequence is for real.



also, i'd like to say the double-standard most people have about forgiving women versus forgiving men is seriously bogus.

36. EMPLOY STUDY TECHNIQUES

someone who knew what they were talking about said to me that i should read all of my notes after each class. immediately. before i did anything else. and that if i did, i would be able to retain more knowledge than if i reviewed the notes later and even more if i reviewed them even later.

here is the first image that google finds when "gratuitous image" is typed.

35. STOP CURSING

in effort to become a better communicator.

34. DON'T YELL

i should qualify this: DON'T YELL OUT OF ANGER
i definitely plan on yelling out of joy, and in protest.

i am understanding why people yell out of anger--because they are hurt. and they don't understand the root of the emotion. it's all reaction and no thought. i am thinking things through now. i feel stupid explaining this thought process. i know it's obvious to most people, but the realization is relatively new to me.

and lately i've actually employed it. i am hurt and instead of getting angry and yelling, i talk things out as calmly as i can. there is no cathartic release like there is with yelling, but i feel better about myself the next day, even if i don't feel better about the circumstances. i wouldn't feel better about the circumstances anyway.

it's such a relief, learning how to value yourself, your self.

33. DON'T CHECK E-MAIL UNTIL WORK IS DONE

i got out of work an hour early today even though my work was doubled because a copy editor had to quit. i am learning how to be efficient. i am also reading a lot of blogs about productivity on my RSS. well, it would probably be more productive if i just didn't.

32. TALK UNTIL BLUE IN THE FACE

when you're with someone you can trust.

until you fall asleep or get food poisoning or both.

i am never eating at IHOP again.

i started to hallucinate while explaining the vietnam war and couldn't finish.

although, i imagine the argument can be made that the vietnam war is simply unexplainable.